I'm not going to lie and pretend that everything is great and easy and everyday feels like I'm running through a meadow filled with daisies, because it's not like that at all. I'm struggling.
It's not easy for me to admit that. But there are things more important than my pride.
If you ever read my other blog, you'll understand how stressed I get over the little things, my degree is high pressure and on top of that I have other commitments, which sometimes gets on top of me, and that I get so stressed and worried over everything will leave no room for surprise with my next statement. I'm struggling to give everything to God. I think as a person, I crave control. I like to know what's happening and when. What I'm going to be doing next week, month, year. If there's something I'm not happy with I can change it. Which is the subject of my aversion to food and obsession with my weight which I went through when I was 16, I felt so out of control with my life, family relationships, this was a way in which I could regain control. It's the same as when I spend hour after hour rearranging furniture, it's to control my surroundings, my lifestyle. Of course, life rarely works out the way you plan. It's so easy to forget there's things bigger than yourself, when you're so wrapped up in your own world. When you're doing this, you aren't making God the centre, but instead making yourself God.
You'll remember I blogged a while ago about a woman who I served at my till, who told me that God had amazing things planned for me. Well I'm finding it difficult to allow God to do this. I'm finding it hard to let him in completely, although I know that if I do, my life will be more amazing than I could have ever imagined. So I'm praying that I begin to learn this.
I went to a funeral yesterday. It was for a 92 year old lady, who was a prominent figure in my childhood. I have the most amazing memories of her, and every time that I saw her, she'd always be so excited to see me, I'd get a hug and she'd ask me about how I was and show genuine interest in what was going on with me. She was an amazing lady, and she loved God with all her heart. She served the same church for 75 years and had an impact in everyone connected to it's lives at some point in time, including ours.
In her eulogy, they said the line 'Her life was filled with her love for God, and her passion to serve him' and it's so true, I couldn't think of another person I know who that'd be more apt for, and it was amazing to celebrate her, and to think that she's now in heaven, walking (and dancing) with her saviour everyday.
I think we all should aim to be a little bit more like her. She had an amazing life, and who wouldn't want that said about them at their funeral? This is the kind of life that I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, was led with God at the centre.
So to close: R.I.P Auntie Kath, and enjoy eternity with your saviour, I can't wait to meet with you again.
XOX
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