Update: Celebrations of Life & Making God the Centre

Apparently I haven't posted in this blog for 3 months! (crazy, I know), so the best way to get back into it is to describe where I'm at right now.

I'm not going to lie and pretend that everything is great and easy and everyday feels like I'm running through a meadow filled with daisies, because it's not like that at all. I'm struggling.

It's not easy for me to admit that. But there are things more important than my pride. 

If you ever read my other blog, you'll understand how stressed I get over the little things, my degree is high pressure and on top of that I have other commitments, which sometimes gets on top of me, and that I get so stressed and worried over everything will leave no room for surprise with my next statement. I'm struggling to give everything to God. I think as a person, I crave control. I like to know what's happening and when. What I'm going to be doing next week, month, year. If there's something I'm not happy with I can change it. Which is the subject of my aversion to food and obsession with my weight which I went through when I was 16, I felt so out of control with my life, family relationships, this was a way in which I could regain control. It's the same as when I spend hour after hour rearranging furniture, it's to control my surroundings, my lifestyle. Of course, life rarely works out the way you plan. It's so easy to forget there's things bigger than yourself, when you're so wrapped up in your own world. When you're doing this, you aren't making God the centre, but instead making yourself God. 

You'll remember I blogged a while ago about a woman who I served at my till, who told me that God had amazing things planned for me. Well I'm finding it difficult to allow God to do this. I'm finding it hard to let him in completely, although I know that if I do, my life will be more amazing than I could have ever imagined. So I'm praying that I begin to learn this. 

I went to a funeral yesterday. It was for a 92 year old lady, who was a prominent figure in my childhood. I have the most amazing memories of her, and every time that I saw her, she'd always be so excited to see me, I'd get a hug and she'd ask me about how I was and show genuine interest in what was going on with me. She was an amazing lady, and she loved God with all her heart. She served the same church for 75 years and had an impact in everyone connected to it's lives at some point in time, including ours. 

In her eulogy, they said the line 'Her life was filled with her love for God, and her passion to serve him' and it's so true, I couldn't think of another person I know who that'd be more apt for, and it was amazing to celebrate her, and to think that she's now in heaven, walking (and dancing) with her saviour everyday. 

I think we all should aim to be a little bit more like her. She had an amazing life, and who wouldn't want that said about them at their funeral? This is the kind of life that I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, was led with God at the centre. 

So to close: R.I.P Auntie Kath, and enjoy eternity with your saviour, I can't wait to meet with you again.

XOX

Contagious love

I'm going to take this opportunity to share just an image that came into my head today, potentially from god but I'll let you make you're own minds up on that one.

I had the image in my head of a virus. Now this image is one of a standard viral diagram found in any microbiology textbook, with a protein capsule, a tail and tail fibres and genetic material stored in the head. Now this virus is working its way through a human body and the first thing I notice is how this virus is all consuming. Take an illness for example, let's say influenza. The immune response to it affects the entire body, you may get a sore throat, blocked sinuses, rhinitis. On top of that it can affect homeostasis and make the infected burn up with fever, it can cause emesis and whilst you have it in your system, you can't help it but it has an affect on you.

Now the next point I notice is that you have a reaction to it, internally this reaction is involuntary, with your immune system making hundreds and thousands of antibodies, externally we change our behaviour by going out and buying painkillers, tissues, vitamins, cold and flu relief tablets etc.

Finally, the last point I notice is that if the virus in question is going to make any kind of impact on a larger scale, then it needs to spread, this is reliant on vectors, whether that be through particles found in mucus, residues left on surfaces, say a stair banister, a door handle, or maybe it spreads through droplets in the air, leftover from a sneeze, or through physical contact from another person, it's survival is reliant on this.

Now I'm not insinuating here that God is a virus and that being a Christian is like been ill. But let's just imagine for a second here that we replace the imagined virus and replaced it with God's love and the good news of Jesus and we take each of my above points again. When we first hear the message of God's good news, it is all consuming and whether we like it or not, it has a reaction on us, whether this be an acceptance of Jesus as saviour, a longing to know more, or even outright protest, it evokes a response, kind of like an immune response.
Secondly this response leads to a change in behaviour. Maybe in voluntarily we'll be thinking about it, maybe we're wanting to know more, or potentially trying to evaluate its validity. Maybe we're disputing it, rubbishing it in our heads, however this is still a response and these first two points are representative of an individual response.

Now onto my third point, arguably the main one. Gods good news isn't going to spread without a vector. To those who aren't 'infected', this can't happen without a vector, demonstrating that people aren't going to turn to God without hearing about his good news, if no one shares it with them. Therefore it brings to me the image of us acting as 'vectors' to enable Gods love to reach more people, and begin to have a major societal impact.

Just a few thoughts to ponder on. Trust it to be on something that I'd understand so vividly!!

XOX

A Change

Recently I've been feeling like my entire life is planned for me. I'm going to finish university, get a job, get married, knock out a few kids and live happily ever after, not with great misery neither with great adventure and this is starting to make me feel, for lack of a better word, bored. And frightened. I'm scared that I'm sitting by whilst everyone else 'lives' I'm going to miss out on ever doing anything particularly great or meaningful once I graduate.

Therefore I'm not going to do it my way anymore. If this is the best I can do with my life then I really don't want to do it my way anymore. I want to do extraordinary things and I want to do them for the one who saved my soul. Why should I decide everything and map my entire life out when God can do it better, and in a way which leaves me much more fulfilled and gives me a greater purpose: working for God's purpose. God has amazing things planned for my life, he's told me enough times! The woman who came through my till was the most obvious one, and I'm so excited for what he has planned. He's going to turn my life around in ways that I cannot even begin to imagine but this involves trusting in him completely. Therefore my proposal is initially to stop doing all the things I know I shouldn't do and that God doesn't like in order to be able to focus myself entirely on him and follow him completely and with my whole heart. The second step to this is to pray regularly, not just for guidance when I come to a decision, but for opportunities and guidance even when I don't quite realise that I need it, & to keep me from temptation and straying onto alternative and sometimes seemingly easier paths and thirdly to pray for revelation, pray that God will in his grace, reveal to me at least in part where he wants me to go and how he wants me to fight for him, fight for his people, and for reassurance that I am actually working where he needs me.

I've known for the last 18 months that God wants me in Brighton for a reason, and it's time for me to start to discover this. My life's going to be changed in ways that I can't even contemplate and I'm terrified, but I will trust in him because He is more capable than I could ever hope to be.

Not because of what I've done, but because of who you are

XOX

Nightshelter 2012/13

Well my blog's have been a little depressing recently, so I wanted to blog about something nicer, you know kinda like the 'It's not just doom & gloom' section of 'Russell Howard's Good News'

Nightshelter is a network of churches who group together in the winter months to help some of Brighton's most vulnerable people: the homeless. It acts as a stepping stone to help get homeless people integrated back into society, and primarily we provide food and shelter for up to 15 men a night. The scheme is run entirely by volunteers who really have a heart for serving, and compassion for both the city and helping people in this situation.

I volunteered last year and God blessed me so much by doing so, It allowed me to break down common misconceptions that I had of this group of people and actually put my heart for servitude into action for him.

I went through most of my Christian life thinking that God had missed me out when he was handing out gifts. I'm not exceptionally musically talented, I can't speak in tongues, I'm not a great leader, or a great public speaker. I can't quote verse after verse from the bible from memory. But it took me a few years to realise, God has given me a servant heart. I get so excited to work for Him, show his love to people who don't know him, through my actions. It's one of the reasons why I want to be a doctor, why I want to work with people, Not to demonstrate myself and how amazing I am, to to demonstrate Him and give glory to him through my actions in the opportunities that he's laying out before me.

This year I'm getting involved in nightshelter again and I'm absolutely buzzing!! due to first aid training, I can't do evenings anymore but I'm giving up sleep to get there and give them breakfast in the morning and start conversations. It also gives me a glimpse into why I got the job at Asda, as well as being a way of earning money and supporting myself through uni, I really feel like God is equipping me through the opportunity to work with and build relationship through a wide range of people. I'm also so excited for what this step will lead to in these peoples lives, how they could improve them.

Let's see what the next year brings!

XOX

He is AMAZING!

I've never had God speak to me as clearly as he did today and it was so amazing!!
Basically, tonight I went to work, and I'd been having a rubbish day and I mean probably up in the top 10 worst days of the year so far, and to top it off I'm feeling so ill and bunged up it's unbelievable, but I'm contracted to work Saturday evenings so I went in. About halfway through my shift I had a customer come through my till, so I treated her as I normally would, did all the happy to help criteria, asked her about how her day was, had a generally nice chat, processed the transaction etc. and she turns round to me and told me about how she really feels that God has amazing things planned for me, how he's going to work in my life in ways that I won't believe possible, as long as I give my heart entirely to him. And all this is before I even tell her I'm a Christian and I go to a church in Brighton and everything. I just find it absolutely amazing how God can speak to us in so many different ways, and I know that he does it subtly all the time, but I just love it when he speaks to you in ways that gives you goosebumps. It just serves as a reminder of how amazing he actually is and how much he has his hand over everything (Including Asda!)

Just a quick note for tonight ;)

XOX

Another Turning Point, A Fork Stuck In The Road

I started a blog a week ago entitled as above, and I've left the title the same although what I have to say has changed. I was right in that I was at a turning point in my walk with God and I still am.

Last week, I went to a different church for the Sunday evening service. It's a fairly new church in Brighton and I've heard so many great things about it, like how welcoming the people are for one. Which rang true to me, but I don't know. Maybe it's that I don't like change but I just felt so uncomfortable there. I can see how for many its a really good church, really supportive but I really felt God telling me this wasn't where he wanted me, so much so that I wanted to run back to CCK mid-service. But I'm so glad God used that experience to speak to me. But then I also wasn't entirely content at CCK either. I've felt alone in a lot of circumstances, like it wouldn't really matter if I attended or not, leaving me wondering, when is my expiration date at this church? will I ever truly feel part of it? and most importantly, should I stay or should I go?

Fast forward to tonight, where I have a week behind me, including some huge emotional hurdles and some encouraging talks with friends, I walk into CCK alone. And it was like coming home, the same way I always feel when I return to my home church, the talk was really good, the worship, the format, everything just felt so suited to me. God used the service today to speak to me as well about his mission and getting involved but firstly myself needing to overcome hurdles and barriers that I've set out in front of me. So I went up for prayer today for the first time since starting that church which, along with the overwhelming sense of people actually caring about what was going on with me which is what I've been craving. God's calling me up to serve, and I just feel as soon as you become a part of a church's mission, you gain more of a sense of belonging plus with involvement it strikes up the opportunity to develop meaningful friendships with other Christians  another thing of which I've been craving. I fully believe that God calls his people to where he needs them at that moment in time and right now I feel that God isn't only calling me to Brighton but to this church in particular. God will also put you where you can grow and I trust in him.

Exciting times ahead!

XOX

Mercy

When crisis arose, I prayed.

 I believe in a merciful God, a merciful God who listens to our prayers and answers them, but healing has always been a sore subject to me, I know that God will heal, but I can often doubt that he will. But it is in God's mercy that he heals us. He heals us not due to entitlement but due to his vast compassion towards us.

But also, I'm slowly learning to trust in God and place more of my life into his hands. I can by nature try and be so organised, so controlling, so independent. But God has a plan for everyone's lives that is far better than anything we can imagine for ourselves. God's ways are different to my ways, & It's hard to think of death being anything other than opposite to healing. However if death means being with God, isn't that the ultimate healing? Far away from the pain & suffering that illness brings on earth.

The bible says:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7)

God's ways are different to ours. This can be so hard to comprehend because of course we miss the person that's gone. We ask for healing & God in his mercy grants it. Not in our timing or our ways, but in his. This is perfect & although this isn't my way, I will trust in him.
I prayed for healing and God in his mercy granted it, proof in itself that God answers prayer!

'Not because of what I've done but because of who you are'

XOX